How to Keep Friends & Influence Nikki

If this entry sounds snotty and disagreeable, that’s only because it is. Hey, I never promised y’all a rose garden. And it’s just peculiar how people persist in thinking of me as some kind of sweet person when I’m really, you know, not. I am prickly and particular, so if, for some unfathomable reason, you still want to be my friend, you would be best served by observing the following:

1. Unless you are writing to confirm or inform me of some group event (a project, sale, party, like that), do not email or text me anything that you are also sending to more than three other people. I will not read it and I will most likely resent it. If it’s a joke, save it for when you can tell me in person. If it’s a religious or inspirational quote, just don’t send it. If I’m not already devout and/or inspired, your little message will really not serve to make me so. If it’s a chain letter, I will curse you and your descendants unto the fourth generation for wasting my time. You have been warned.

2. Do not write to me in text-speak unless you are actually texting. You don’t realize this, but sending me text-speak puts me in danger of actual bodily harm because I have to bite my tongue to restrain myself from saying something scathing; and I have to bang my head against the wall to remind myself that I really do like you despite your little linguistic peccadilloes. So please, for my health and sanity, if you have something to say, spell it out. Look down right now: see your fingers and the keyboard? You can make them work together if you really try.

3. Do not call or text me from 2 to 7 a.m. unless (a) you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’m awake; or (b) you absolutely have to. I once heard the worst news possible (the death of a very-loved one) via phone at 3 a.m., so any time I hear the phone go off in the wee hours of the morning, I tend to assume the worst. If, therefore, you choose to drag me out of bed via telecommunication during these hours, you had better be bleeding in a ditch somewhere, or I will make you. Again, you have been warned.

4. Do not expect me to have a brain before 10 a.m. or at any time when deprived of nicotine. It will not happen.

5. Avoid making blanket statements without verifiable backup in my presence, because I will question them. If you say, “Everybody says that…” I will inquire as to the identity of “everybody”; and if you say, “It’s well-established that…” I will demand proof of said establishment. In particular, do not make generalizations based on race or gender, unless you enjoy having your wrist slapped, verbally or physically or both.

I am absolutely positive that there are a great many more pitfalls to be avoided in interaction with me, but these are the ones that have occurred off the top of my head. The fact that I have come up with five right off the top of my head probably goes to show that I am really challenging to be friends with, but yet again, you have been warned. Repeatedly.