Contradiction in Terms
You say to-may-toe; I say toh-mah-tah. Deal with it.
Friday, November 19, 2004

Today is Have A Bad Day Day.

And thanks a lot to whoever thought that one up!

Okay, due to the extreme interest in the preceding post (and because I really have no more use for them anymore anyway), I figured I should perform a public service and publish...

Nikki's Surefire Tricks for Attracting Guys
(The author hereby disclaims any responsibility for anything caused by incautious use of the following. Please note that they have only failed once in 18 years, so don't say I didn't warn ya!)

1. THE TOO-SHY-TO-SPY Make eye contact with target male. Widen your eyes ever so slightly, and allow your lips to part, showing just a hint of teeth. (The goal here is to appear overcome with attraction, but not panting with it.) After a second or two, blink and quickly look away, as if you've only just realized that you're staring, and are now embarrassed about it. Use your own discretion to decide whether you should dart another quick look his way before turning 'shyly' away again.

2. THE GUILEFUL SMILE (for advanced flirts) Smile at target male as if you've just thought of something impossibly naughty. While smiling, bite your lower lip, and allow it to slowly slip out from under your teeth, returning to ripe fullness as you let your gaze travel all the way down his body. (Do not try this with dry lips, or you'll just look silly.) Turn away, smiling widely about the X-rated scene he now thinks is playing in your head. If possible, whisper to a nearby female companion and start laughing.

3. THE BRA BOOST Again while maintaining eye contact, hike up your bra strap, forcing him to combat his natural instinct to obviously check out your boobs. This works best in actual conversation with target male, especially if you mention his name while doing the bra hike. (Not the best move for gay flirts, however.)

4. THE TILT 'N' TEASE Also while in conversation, tilt your head to listen to him, resting your chin on one fist. This shows off your face and the long, lovely line of your throat, so only do it if you actually have a nice neck and complexion. (You can disguise a pudgy jawline with strategic placement of the fist, however.) When making a conversational point, move your hand to almost touch his, but don't actually touch it. Instead, visibly hesitate for a fraction of a second before resting said hand against the table (or whatever surface you're leaning your elbow on) next to his hand. If you have long hair, you may allow it to 'accidentally' brush against any area of his exposed skin.

5. THE SNEAK TWEAK With someone you know well enough, pluck a real or imagined piece of whatever off his hair (or scalp, as the case may be). Lean in close to do this, so that your breath tickles his ear. Wear your best perfume, and make sure to run your fingers against his scalp in the process. Works best for those with longish fingernails.

6. ORAL PROPS If you can't make a man sweat with a lollipop or ice cream cone in your mouth, then really, girl, you need more help than even Trick #7 can give you.

7. SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER(only to be used in extremis by expert flirts; never use more than once a year or so with the same guy, because he will remember!) Ask for assistance in adjusting your shoe (whether it needs it or not). Holding on to his arm, bend down and fiddle with said shoe. Then, staying bent down, look up, smile, and thank him for his help, smoothly unbending thereafter into standing position. If this combination of your touch, the machismo-boost of assisting a damsel in distress, and the sight of your face in the vicinity of his groin continues to leave the man unmoved, then baby, there is no hope, and target male is possibly gay.

If this all sounds pre-feminist to you, just think of it the way I do: Manipulating Men for Fun and Profit. Because sometimes, they just don't know what's good for them, the poor things, and you have to hit them where it counts--in that region between the waist and the knees. (And now every male I've ever met is examining my past and present behavior towards them... aren't you, guys?)
Nikki bit in at 1:52 AM :: ::
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