It was mostly my fault, really.
Last Saturday night, for a lark, some friends and I went to see a male strip show. I was actually bored for the majority of the time, and even repulsed once or twice by some of the less-appealing specimens of masculinity. ("My eyes! My eyes!")
After a while, I started to notice that some of the straight guys among the dancers were taking special notice of me--that is, in their usual practice of making 'meaningful' eye contact with audience members, they would gaze at me; then their eyes would hastily flick back for a startled double-take. I looked around the room and realized it was because I was the only female in the room who was not wrinkly, horribly made-up, and probably someone's grandmother.
Possibly due to a combination of my boredom, my annoyance over the gender-discriminating entrance fee (See below), and sheer bloody-minded caprice, I started practicing #1 of my long-disused Surefire Tricks for Attracting Guys (more on this in a later post). Apparently, it remains surefire, because in a matter of moments, Dancer Guy had shimmied over to the side of the stage directly in front of me, and was undulating his barely-clad body two feet from my face.
The next thing I knew, the lights had gone out. I barely had time to register a darker patch of darkness looming over me; then Dancer Guy straddled me, ground his erection against my crotch, and planted a long, wet lick on my right ear.
I'm sure I would have enjoyed this more if Guy hadn't (a) smushed my nose under his chest, and (b) all but suffocated me in the scent of male sweat and cheap cologne. My husband, of course, was vastly amused.
Lessons learned at the Male Strip Show:
1. At such places, entrance costs 50% more for women than for men.
2. Even strippers can appreciate tastefully-restrained cosmetics use.
3. My Surefire Tricks for Attracting Guys still work, but
4. They can be dangerous.
5. It pays to always have clean ears.