Lazy Lunch

There are people who are convinced that I'm some kind of fabulous chef--which is amusing since, in reality, I am possibly the laziest cook in existence. I scramble eggs straight in the pan not because it makes them fluffier, as some claim, but simply because I cannot bear the thought of having to wash one measly extra bowl. If I didn't have one of those egg-slicing gizmos, I'd probably never add boiled eggs to a salad or whatever, because then I'd have to--gasp!--chop them up.

This being the case, I have become something of an expert on hassle-free cooking. And since my friend Rei is currently brushing up on her (nearly-nonexistent, she says) culinary skills, I thought I'd post a few of what, for want of a better term, we will have to laughingly call my recipes:


Two-Minute Chicken Salad
1. Grab a can of PureFoods chicken chunks (the plain kind, in vegetable oil). Drain the lazy way--by opening the can just a little and shaking it upside down over your sink. Dump the chunks in a bowl and smush into shreds with the same fork you're planning to eat with.

2. Douse chicken shreds liberally with olive oil, then sprinkle with garlic salt. Add parmesan or cheddar cheese if you have the pre-grated kind; otherwise, don't even bother. Mix and eat with bread or on its own.


Counterfeit Carbonara
1. Make some pasta. If you don't know how to do this, here's how: Curl your index finger into a circle that just meets the base of your thumb. This is about enough spaghetti or angel hair for one man or two women. (What can I say? Some things are not gender-neutral.) Heat a pot of water till it's boiling loudly, then toss the pasta in with some oil. Keep checking with a fork until the pasta is no longer transparent and has that nice chewy texture known as al dente.

2. Melt an absurd amount of butter in a pan. (It's better to err on the side of excess here.) Use it to fry some onions and garlic until the onions are reasonably clear. Pour in a can of thick cream and as much grated cheese as your little heart can hold. Add salt, pepper, whatever other bottled spice floats your boat, and just a few drops of calamansi or lemon from one of those squeezy bottles. Stir whenever it occurs to you to do so.

3. When the cheese is melted, throw the whole mess on your pasta, and top with artificial bacon bits. Do not use artificial bacon chunks because fake bacon really doesn't taste like real bacon, but if the bits are small enough, no one will care. You can also add those pre-chopped canned mushrooms, so you can pretend it's actually healthy in some obscure way.


Really Faux Leche Flan
1. Dump half a can of condensed milk, a capful of vanilla extract (You know how they come in those little bottles), some sugar, and one or two whole eggs (depending on how firm you want it) in a microwaveable bowl. Mix until you can no longer identify the eggs as separate items, sprinkle a little more sugar on top, then microwave until the top sugar is slightly burnt.

2. Melt some brown sugar with water in a frying pan, or--even lazier--dilute pancake syrup with water. Drizzle it on your finished "flan" and pretend it's the real thing.


And there you have it! An entire meal that is simple to make, yet will delude your poor, credulous friends into believing you actually have some kind of genius in the kitchen. Thus you will eat happily, appear brilliant, and have more time for infinitely more important things like blogging.