Hollywood Reality

Last night, Dean and I got to watch part of Mr. and Mrs. Smith on DVD. I say "part" because my foolish husband bought the pirated copy from a merchant other than our trusted supplier, Billy the Pirate. Thus, two-thirds of the way into the movie, we got a freeze-frame and the film refused to progress from there.

Argh! I'd been enjoying it a great deal, so we're just going to have to get a proper copy from Pirate Billy. During the part that we did get to see, however, I was reminded of certain rules I've observed over the years concerning reality as defined by Hollywood:

1. Happy couples eat at small kitchen tables, or otherwise close by one another. Estranged couples eat at opposite ends of long, rectangular tables. Why they don't just sit next to each other, or across from each other on the horizontal axis of the table is beyond me. Aside from being able to properly converse, this would enable them to more easily achieve vital tasks like passing the salt. Perhaps lack of condiment sharing equates to lack of communication?

2. Except for R-rated teen flicks, good guys never swim in swimming pools. Women can swim anywhere; but you mark my words, if you see an adult man swimming in a pool in a movie, it means that he is a Bad Man. Good guys can swim at the beach, or fall into the pool in the course of a fistfight or daring escape from a skyscraper. But they do not actually swim in pools for fun, because this is apparently a hallmark of Evil.

3. Bad people have bad equipment. Cars driven by good guys, for example, roll off cliffs all the time, but they will not explode until said good guys have managed to somehow escape (with the possible exception of Thelma and Louise). Cars driven by bad guys will promptly explode at the slightest provocation. Similarly, bullets shot by bad guys--even if, by some miracle, they actually manage to hit--are barely capable of punching holes through windshields or winging a good guy's shoulder. Guns wielded by heroes are generally metal-piercing and lethal.

4. If your best friend is not significantly less attractive than you, it means that he/she is not to be trusted. Clearly, in Hollywood Reality, unattractive people are capable of True Devotion to your welfare (to the point of dying for you without a word of regret or recrimination), while people on your level, looks-wise, are more than likely to betray you at their soonest convenience--if they haven't actually been betraying you from Day One.

5. People wearing sunglasses can be hazardous to your health. Sunglasses indicate any or all of the following: (a) a villain; (b) a good guy now determined to set things right and therefore prone to swat aside anyone in his/her way; (c) a sexual predator or would-be sexual predator; (d) some kind of spy whose shades are actually a type of camera, x-ray device, or weapon; and (e) a deranged individual who is probably hiding something horrific behind the shades, such as teeth. Ranging from the threat of imminent termination to mere annoyance, sunglasses are dangerous. Do not approach.

6. The disembodied voice of Morgan Freeman is wise and trustworthy. If, on the other hand, you happen to hear the voice of Kiefer Sutherland, you should be wary; and if you perceive any element belonging to the person of Christopher Walken, you need to get out while you still can. Do not walk; run.

7. Small children are big trouble. If you have anything to do with small children: (a) you will become unwillingly responsible for them, possibly in a life-threatening situation; (b) they will get you involved in a romantic relationship that will necessitate pain and heartbreak before anything good happens; (c) they will unload several tons of whup-ass on your sorry behind; or (d) worst case, they will turn out to be possessed by a malevolent supernatural entity. Don't say you weren't warned.